the ultimate lyric archives
by snape's kidney
Summary: songs by different artists done up to be about characters in the harry potter series! some of them are very funny, some are miserable
1. the real slim snapey

Chorus: repeat 2X  
Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)  
My name is.. {scratches} Slim Snapey  
Hi! My name is.. (huh?) My name is.. (what?)  
My name is.. {scratches} Slim Snapey  
Ahem.. excuse me!  
Can I have the attention of the class  
for one second?  
[Snape]  
Hi kids! Do you like violence? (Yeah yeah yeah!)  
Wanna see me stick Nine Inch Nails through each one of my eyelids? (Uh-  
huh!)  
Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did? (Yeah yeah!)  
Try 'cid and get fucked up worse that my life is? (Huh?)  
My brain's dead weight, I'm tryin to get my head straight  
but I can't figure out which death eater I want to impregnate (Ummmm..)  
And Dumbledore said, "Slim Snapey you a basehead!"  
Uh-uhhh! "So why's your face red? Man you wasted!"  
Well since age twelve, I've felt like I'm someone else  
Cause I hung my original self from the top bunk with a belt  
Got pissed off and ripped little Lily's tits off  
And smacked her so hard I knocked her clothes backwards like Kris Kross  
I smoke a fat pound of grass and fall on my ass  
faster than a fat bitch who sat down too fast  
C'mere slut! (Snapey, wait a minute, that's my girl dog!)  
I don't give a fuck, God sent me to piss the world off!  
Chorus  
[Snape]  
My DADA teacher wanted to flunk me in junior high  
Thanks a lot, next semester I'll be thirty-five  
I smacked him in his face with an eraser, chased him with a stapler  
and stapled his nuts to a stack of papers (Owwwwwwww!)  
Walked in the strip club, had my jacket zipped up  
Flashed the bartender, then stuck my dick in the tip cup  
Extraterrestrial, runnin over pedestrians  
in a spaceship while they screamin at me: "LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS!"  
Ninety-nine percent of my life I was lied to  
I just found out my mom does more dope than I do (Damn!)  
I told her I'd grow up to be a potions master  
Make a potion about doin drugs and name it after her (Oh thank you!)  
You know you blew up when the women rush your stands  
and try to touch your hands like some screamin witch sister fans  
(Aaahhhhhh!)  
This guy at MWPP asked for my autograph  
(Dude, can I get your autograph?)  
So I signed it: 'Dear Pete, thanks for the support, ASSHOLE!'  
Chorus  
[Snape]  
Stop the tape! This kid needs to be locked away! (Get him!)  
Dumbledore, don't just stand there, LOCK THE GATE!  
I'm not ready to leave, it's too scary to die (Fuck that!)  
I'll have to be carried inside the cemetery and buried alive  
(Huh yup!) Am I comin or goin? I can barely decide  
I just drank a fifth of vodka -- dare me to drive? (Go ahead)  
All my life I was very deprived  
I ain't had a woman in years, and my palms are too hairy to hide  
(Whoops!) Clothes ripped like the Incredible Hulk (hachhh-too)  
I spit when I talk, I'll fuck anything that walks (C'mere)  
When I was little I used to get so hungry I would throw fits  
HOW YOU GONNA BREAST FEED ME MOM? (WAH!)  
YOU AIN'T GOT NO TITS! (WAHHH!)  
I lay awake and strap myself in the bed  
Put a bulleproof vest on and shoot myself in the head (BANG!)  
I'm steamin mad (Arrrggghhh!)  
And by the way when you see Potters dad? (Yeah?)  
Tell him that I slit his throat, in this dream I had  
Chorus 


	2. stan also known now as Gladys

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..  
got out of bed at all  
The morning rain clouds up my window..  
and I can't see at all  
And even if I could it'll all be gray,  
but your picture on my wall  
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,  
it's not so bad..  
1st Chorus: volume gradually grows over raindrop background  
2nd Chorus: full volume with beat right after "thunder" noise  
[Gladys Gudgeon]  
Dear Gilderoy, I wrote but you still ain't callin  
I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom  
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em  
There probably was a problem in the owl service or somethin  
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot 'em  
but anyways; fuck it, what's been up? Man how's your daughter?  
I'm pregnant too, I'm bout to be a mother  
If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her?  
I'ma name her gilly  
I read about your Uncle Ronnie too I'm sorry  
I had a friend kill himself over some witch who didn't want him  
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan  
I even got the underground shit that you did with Skam  
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man  
I like the shit you did with Rawkus too, that shit was fat  
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,  
just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan  
This is Gladys  
{Chorus: Ginny}  
[Gladys']  
Dear gilderoy, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance  
I ain't mad - I just think it's FUCKED UP you don't answer fans  
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside the bookshop  
you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Martha  
That's my little sister man, she's only six years old  
We waited in the blistering cold for you,  
four hours and you just said, "No."  
That's pretty shitty man - you're like her fuckin idol  
He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do  
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein lied to  
Remember when we met in Denver - you said if I'd write you  
you would write back - see I'm just like you in a way  
I never knew my father neither;  
he used to always cheat on my mom and beat her  
I can relate to what you're saying in your books  
so when I have a shitty day, I drift away and take em out  
cause I don't really got shit else so that shit helps when I'm depressed  
I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest  
Sometimes I even brush my gums until they bleed  
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me  
See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it  
My husband's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7  
But he don't know you like I know you Gil, no one does  
She don't know what it was like for people like us growin up  
You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose  
Sincerely yours, Gladys -- P.S.  
We should be together too  
{Chorus: Ginny}  
[Ginny']  
Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans,  
this'll be the last package I ever send your ass  
It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it?  
I know you got my last two letters;  
I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect  
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it  
I'm on my broom right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway  
Hey Gilderoy, I drank a fifth of butterbeer, you dare me to drive?  
You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night"  
about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning  
but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him?  
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning  
Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy  
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call  
I hope you know I ripped +ALL+ of your pictures off the wall  
I love you Gilderoy, we coulda been together, think about it  
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it  
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it  
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE without me  
See Gilderoy; {*screaming*} Shut up cat! I'm tryin to talk!  
Hey Gilderoy, that's my cat screamin in the trunk  
but I didn't slit her throat, I just tied her up, see I ain't like you  
cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more, and then she'll die too  
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now  
Oh shit, I forgot, how'm I supposed to send this shit out?  
{*car tires squeal*} {*CRASH*}  
.. {*brief silence*} .. {*LOUD splash*}  
{Chorus: Ginny}  
[Gilderoy]  
Dear Gladys, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy  
You said your pregnant now, how far along is you?  
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that  
and here's an autograph for your sister,  
I wrote it on my photograph  
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the shop, I musta missed you  
Don't think I did that shit intentionally just to diss you  
But what's this shit you said about you like to cut your wrists too?  
I say that shit just clownin dogg,  
c'mon - how fucked up is you?  
You got some issues Gladys, I think you need some counseling  
to help your ass from bouncing off the walls when you get down some  
And what's this shit about us meant to be together?  
That type of shit'll make me not want us to meet each other  
I really think you and your husband need each other  
or maybe you just need to treat her better  
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time  
before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doin just fine  
if you relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you but Gladys  
why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I do want you as a fan  
I just don't want you to do some crazy shit  
I seen this one shit in the prophet a couple weeks ago that made me sick  
Some chick was drunk and flew her broom over a bridge  
and had cat in the trunk, and she was mated with a pig  
and in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to  
Come to think about, her name was.. it was you  
Damn!  
[Gilderoy proceeds to look sad for a moment then checks his reflection and  
carries on with his fan male] [Ginny weasley is outside, she walks away  
with a diary] 


	3. everywhere michelle branch

Turn it inside out so I can see  
The part of you that's drifting over me  
And when I wake you're never there  
But when I sleep you're everywhere  
You're everywhere  
Just tell me how I got this far  
Just tell me why you're here and why you killed my ma'  
'Cause every time I look  
You're never there  
And every time I sleep  
You're always there  
'Cause you're everywhere to me  
And when I close my eyes it's you I see  
You're everything I know  
That makes me believe  
I'm not alone  
I'm not alone  
I recognize the way you make me feel  
It's not hard to think that  
You are evil and real  
I sense it now, your powers getting deep  
I try to get you away from me  
Away from me  
'Cause you're everywhere to me  
And when I close my eyes it's you I see  
You're everything I know  
That makes me believe  
I'm not alone  
I'm not alone  
I am not alone  
Whoa, oh, oooh, oh  
And when I touch your hand  
The pains to much to stand (Harry's scar)  
The snake that's within  
It's now that we begin  
That green lights always in my way  
I hope there never comes a day  
No matter where I go  
I always feel you so  
'Cause you're everywhere to me  
And when I close my eyes it's you I see  
You're everything I know  
That makes me believe  
I'm not alone  
'Cause you're everywhere to me  
And when I catch my breath  
It's you I breathe  
You're everything I know  
That makes me believe  
I'm not alone  
You're in everyone I see  
So tell me  
Do you see me? 


	4. harrys a teenage dirtbag baby

Her name is cho chang  
I have a dream about her  
She likes my wand  
I've got potions class in half an hour  
Oh how she rocks  
Compared to her philosophers stones are just rocks  
But she doesn't know who I am  
And she doesn't give a damn about me  
Cause Im just a teenage dirtbag baby  
Yeah Im just a teenage dirtbag baby  
Listen to witch sisters baby with me  
Her boyfriend's a d***  
And he brings a gun to school  
And he'd simply kick  
My ass if he knew the truth  
He goes to my pup  
And he drives an cleensweep ( that's not good)  
But he doesn't know who I am  
And he doesn't give a damn about me  
Cause Im just a teenage dirtbag baby  
Yeah Im just a teenage dirtbag baby  
Listen to witch sisters baby with me  
Yeeah dirtbag, no she doesn't know what she's missin  
Yeeah dirtbag, no she doesn't know what she's missin  
Man I feel like mold  
It's yule night and I am lonely  
Low and behold  
She's walking over to me  
This must be fake  
My lip starts to shake  
How does she know who I am  
And why does she give a damn about  
Ive got two seats booked in the tea shop baby  
Come with me on valentines day don't say maybe  
Im just a teenage dirtbag baby like you  
Yeeah dirtbag, no she doesn't know what she's missin  
Yeeah dirtbag, no she doesn't know what she's missin 


End file.
